I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
