i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
