im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
