the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
