I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
