If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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