dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
