I feel great
I just peed on a car
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize