I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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