I want to have your abortion
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
