Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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