This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
