On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize