My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
