i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
