If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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