I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
