he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We got so high we made milksteak
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
