I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
