i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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