i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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