I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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