At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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