I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
