I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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