sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
