We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
