gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
