I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
