You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize