all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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