his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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