So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
