So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
