dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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