dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
