it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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