he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
