Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I party with great urgency now.
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