apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
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