so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
