I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
