I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
