I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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