This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she told me i tasted like america
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
