took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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