just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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