she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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