Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
