while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize