Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
