Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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