connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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