sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
