we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
