just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize