Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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