and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
