remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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