If that was your dad, he is hot
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
