Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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