Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My feet surprised me
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