i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize