When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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