Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
