Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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