He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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