its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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