You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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