i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
