I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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