God, you're like boner-b-gone
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize