Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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