I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
