cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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