seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
