How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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