Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
