wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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