EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
