Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
